1. So last night I had a dream he came into my room and read me a letter spelling out all the wrongs and all the rights. I don't remember what I said to him, but I know I didn't forgive him. Oh shit. I miss him!


2. I hope your girlfriend dumps you so you can crawl back and I'll kick you when you're down. I am a horrible human being, and it feels good.


3. I'm so happy for you. So So so So sos sosososos happy. And I want to kick my own ass when I think you're only going to ditch me for your new boyfriend. Hey, it's happen to me once before. PEOPLE FUCKING SURPRISE YOU.


4. You're such a man. I need a man.
:)


5. Watch your mouth. Don't speak about which you do not know. I will kill you.

The past 2 weeks or so have been the best two weeks of my life. Possibly.

Not because everything has gone my way, as a matter of fact, I think things have gone the opposite of what I wanted, but the outcomes have been what I needed.

I don't know if anything around me as changed or I've just gained a new outlook on life. I'm thinking it's the latter. I had this epiphany a few weeks ago, and I called Tim the second it hit me;

I don't know who I am. I really don't. I'm sure somewhere deep inside, I'm there, but it's been a struggle to find out. I was someone different with everyone I knew, and I was pretty sick of it. So that night, I promised to just be who I wanted when I wanted and not care if it was gonna make people uncomfortable or not. To my surprise, I feel like people actually enjoy my company more now than ever.

Maybe that was the start of it, but after that, things have been great. That's an understatement.

When surprises come my way, I grab it and swing it around and toss it. Like it's some kind of sport. Haha, it's refreshing. Life changing, almost. I don't want to get ahead of myself.

Another reason for this change has been the passing of my friend Tinh. I never thought how blessed I was to be alive until someone I knew, someone I talked to, passed away. It was like a brick thrown at my head. I'm not trying to take anything away from Tinh, but all I can do is thank him. Thank him for allowing good to come from bad. For this, I love him. More now than ever.

And to those wonderful, beautiful, patient people who have helped me and given me their time and undivided attention; Grisel Torres, Timothy long and Cindy Le.

Thanks much.

Why is it that all the men in my life are always disappointing me?
From my best friend to my lovers. (Lovers, ha!)

Or or or or! They just can't live up to the expectations I've set for the men in my life because I hold my father in such high regard- so for any human being to live up to my fathr would be impossible; therefore I get the notion that everyone is dissapointing me, when in reality, I am just setting myself up for dissapointment.

/end rant.

17 feels crummy. Feels like 16 feels like 15 feels like 14.

I'm a romantic, I think up big schemes on how to get rich, get out or get happy. Tom Sawyer, I'd say is my hero. No, but I'm not imaginative, nor creative. Simply put, I am a dreamer. Big things, big big BIG things.

You know that feeling you get when you're trying so hard to work something out, so hard that you are practically blinded by your drive and you can't see that there is nothing, nothing whatsoever, at the end to show for it. Nothing to claim but wasted breaths and lose of appetite.*

So what's a girl to do when she's got a cavern the size of her aspirations secretly implanted in her heart?
Fill with material things. Purses, shoes, jewelry, the works. Thanks Mom and Pops.


*Including, but not limited to; relationships, friendships, college application woes, video game politics, etc.

Damn, it's been eons since I've even logged into LJ.

Life's been like fuckin limbo lately. Nothing moves on, except for days, and I'm stuck feeling like I've seen and felt all this before. Maybe with the coming of college, things'll change. (heres to wishful thinking).

I realize as this "point in my life" draws toward an end, I'm becoming more and more difficult to deal with; constant agitation and mean mugs make it hard for people to like you, I get it. It's not that I want to be hated, (or liked, for that matter) but--

Oh fuck it. I don't feel like explaining myself to anyone.


In other news; in 3 days, I'll be 17?

Work drains all my energy.
Honeybaby, you need to recharge my batteries.(;

But it'll all be worth it when I get that fatty check.(350+)


I like riding the bus. A lot. It's strangely comfortable and it's helps the environment!

Collab. days are the best and the worst. Who doesn't love half hour classes and getting out supa early? But then again, it throws my whole day off.

Brandon & Amber scooped me up afterschool for Slurpee run. I missed those vatos.

This week is pretty "action-packed". Tomorra I got Drug/Alcohol Prevention classes. Friday I have work. Saturday I got work, and Sunday My parents are out of town. =) Y'all know what that means? Slumber party! How old school is that?


Just something I'd like to point out, no blames and no finger pointing, but damn, is it just me or are most of the people at IHS lost? It's probably every highschool across the globe, but with the people I see everyday, it's so much more evident. I'd like to shake these kids and tell them there is more to life than partying every weekend, and getting as much ass as you can. Then again, I could just be jealous of their ever extravagant lifestyles.
SIKE.

I'd rather have a dull life w/substance. What do you so when the shoes stop selling and the drinks stop flowing; when the smoke dies down and the sex isn't the same? I know, do you? Been there, done that.

Doesn't make me any better than anyone else, though. I'm just as guilty.

I make no damn sense. Grisel(da), chopchop w/the bracelet!!!

What a true and rare internet gem.
I've been into MF Doom lately, and Death Race 2000 was a siiiick ass movie.




Sitting at home, eating crushes up noddles in the silver bag, it's the life.
Remind me why people leave their houses again?

APENG exam Wednesday.
Hiphiphooray

10 hours of community service + Drug&Alcohol prevention classes.
My year has turned out grrreat.

It was my fault, so I have to deal w/ the consequences. Sadly,it took something like this to bring my dad and I closer. He was the one who picked me up that day, and he was the person who took me to see my PO today. We got to talking, and he he introduced me to his girlfriend. She's sooo cute! Honestly, she reminds me of myself. Not just because she's cute (sikeeee), but because she's outspoken and honest, in a nice way. I am so glad that my dad found someone to make him happy. He looks happy. He stopped drinking and smoking and he's now a member at Bally's. I love my Dad.

You hear people say they want a husband who reminds them of their father? It's true.

I've been getting letters in the mail about many student ambassador-like programs, where you go to different countries and talk about diplomatic relations with other teens in that country. All sound very tempting. All very costly. One really sparked my interest though; The "People to people student ambassador" program. My talked about it with my mom, and she's down to help me pay for the tuition fees. I'll know for sure in July. So this means..


FIJI,AUSTRALIA&NEW ZEALAND, HERE I COME!



In other news, I've been getting a lot of panic attacks lately.
I know the reason why, but that hardly seems enough. Maybe it seems more to me than I thought it did.

STAR testing blows.

Where the hell did Junior Yr go?


I'm fed up.

Fed up with how your problems somehow always seem to more important than mine. You always think the outcome will be bad, therefore you never try.

"Even if you try and fail, at least you'll be better than everyone else who never tried. And no one can say shit to you, cause you tried."

Take your own advice and suck it up. I know you want this just as bad as I do.


I'm fed up with my "house arrest". Even going to the library is out of the question. Seriously, this hasn't taught me shit. If anything, I just wanna rebel and get out even more. Joke's on you parentals. Hah-hah.